You’re bobbing about like a cork in the Atlantic, mate, not having a Scooby-Doo about what’s coming next. The future, it’s a right dog’s dinner, and you’re stuck in the middle of it, clueless as a toff in a tanning salon. Your to-do list is longer than a queue for the loo at a beer festival, and you’d rather chew your own foot off than sort it out. But, chin up, you’ve got to buckle down and crack on with it, or you’ll be up to your eyeballs in muck and bullets. Lucky charm: A pint of bitter. It doesn’t solve anything, but it does make your to-do list a lot funnier to look at.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!