Listen here, sunshine, you have two choices. You can either lug around the extra baggage of everyone else’s to-do list like a pack mule at a boot sale, or you can treat yourself with a bit more respect than a half-eaten bag of crisps. If some cheeky chancer has the audacity to ask you for a favour when you’re busier than a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest, tell them to jog on. It’s about time your mates and co-workers learned how to wipe their own bums, isn’t it? Now, your lucky charm today is a bottle of gin. Not because it brings good luck, but because after dealing with all these numpties, you’re going to need a stiff drink.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!