‘Ello, ‘ello! You’re waking up to the chirping of your phone, not birds, thanks to a mopey mate who’s decided to share their misery before the cock even crows. Just because their life’s gone down the lavatory doesn’t mean they should take a dump on your Christmas pudding! Don’t let their gloom cloud your tinsel, love. You’ve got mince pies to devour, and that’s not a metaphor for anything naughty, although it could be if you play your cards right! You’ve got tacky Christmas jingles to butcher – because who really knows all the words to ‘Good King Wenceslas’? So, bask in the gaudy lights and the garish colours of the season as if you’ve just stumbled out of a pub at two in the morning. And here’s a little lucky charm for you: the number 7. Use it wisely, maybe in a game of bingo, or on a scratch card. Who knows, you might even win enough to buy your mate a sense of humour!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!