Blimey, you’ve been running about like a blue arsed fly lately, haven’t ya? You’re more knackered than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. It’s about time you put your feet up, love. Pace yourself, or you’ll be cocking up more than a butcher’s dog. You’re gasping for a bit of a breather like a fat lad at a pie-eating contest, aren’t ya? And while you’re at it, why don’t you chuck a bit of kindness about, eh? There are others out there, struggling like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! Lucky charm: A pair of old knickers. Not for good luck, you dirty sod, but to remind you that things can always get a bit more pants!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!