Listen up, darling, you’re about as chipper as a nun in a brothel at the minute. Why, you ask? ‘Cause there’s a gap wider than a Kardashian’s ego between you and your sweetheart, ain’t that a laugh? Mate, it’s just a blip, like a fart in a windstorm. You’ve been counting more sheep than a bloody insomniac shepherd, haven’t ya? It’s been about as much help to you as a chocolate teapot. But hold onto your knickers, darling. By the time this week’s as over as my last facelift, you’ll be back on the horse, as right as rain and happy as a dog with two tails. So, don’t go dropping your scones just yet, sunshine. And here’s a cheeky one for ya – your lucky item is a rubber chicken. Why? ‘Cause even when life’s a right old cock-up, at least you’re not a squeaky toy in a dog’s gob. Now, that’s comedy gold, innit?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!