Cor blimey, mate! Shift your peepers from that telly and toss some attention towards those poor saps who actually put up with you. Yeah, I’m talking about your mates and kin, you absolute muppet. They’re hanging on by their fingernails, waiting for you to keep your word for once. So get off your arse and do right by ’em, or you’ll be in the doghouse quicker than a rat up a drainpipe. And here’s your lucky charm, you’ll need it: The number 13. Yeah, I know it’s usually unlucky, but in your case, it can’t make things any worse. So embrace it, you plonker. And don’t forget to wear something in shocking pink – it’ll distract people from your face.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!