In a voice dripping with sarcasm, let me tell you, darling: You’re about as sociable as a hermit crab with a hangover. Given half a chance, you’d be glued to your tatty sofa like a barnacle to a sinking ship, more interested in watching paint dry than in venturing out to some noisy, crowded joint. To you, a perfect day is spent in splendid isolation, traipsing about your garden in mismatched pyjamas, talking to the roses – oh, the scintillating conversation! You’ll claim it’s ‘me time’, a chance for inspiration to strike. But let’s call a spade a spade, sweetheart: You’re just a lazy so-and-so, using solitude as an excuse to dodge the real world. And here’s a bit of advice, dearie: Your lucky phrase for today is “I’m just resting my eyes”. Use it wisely when you’re caught napping on the job. And remember, it’s only a lucky phrase if you say it with a straight face.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!