Well, you stubborn muppet. You’ve gone and bitten off more than you could chew, haven’t you? Thought you were a one-man-band, didn’t you? Now you’re choking on your own pride like a dog on a rubber bone, aren’t you? Look, don’t be such a bellend. There’s no shame in asking for a bit of help when you’re up shit creek without a paddle. Even if you can’t stand the sight of other people, swallowing your pride occasionally won’t give you food poisoning. And for your lucky charm, try a four-leaf clover. You’re going to need all the luck you can muster if you continue being this daft. And don’t stick it up your arse for safekeeping; that’s not what they mean by ‘luck of the Irish’.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!