Blimey, it looks like you’ve had a right Barney Rubble with your old china plate and you’re feeling as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. You’re hankering for a cuddle and a smooch, dreaming of sweet nothings whispered in your shell-like. Meanwhile, your other half is as cold as a mother-in-law’s kiss and you’re about as appealing to them as a boil on the backside. So, before you go all soppy on them, put a sock in it, sunshine! And here’s your lucky something – the number 7. Why 7, you ask? It’s because it’s the exact number of seconds your partner will pay attention to your whinging before they want to stick their head in the oven. Now isn’t that a right barrel of laughs!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!