Well darling, your life’s more tangled than a pair of knickers after a romp in the hay. The bickering in your gang is louder than a drunk granny at bingo night. Sure, you’ve got your two bob’s worth to add, but you’re more tight-lipped than a nun at a strip club. Best course of action? Listen to that wee whisper in your noggin. It’s quieter than a fart in a windstorm, but it’s got more sense than half the muppets you know combined. As for your lucky charm, try carrying around a four-leaf clover. But remember, it’s about as effective as a chocolate teapot, so don’t go betting your last quid on the horses!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!