Alright, you cheeky sod, here’s your bloody horoscope in true British fashion, with a dash of ‘Joan Rivers’ and a sprinkle of naughtiness. Today, you’re about as likely to flash a chuffed grin at a complete stranger as a bulldog chewing a wasp. It’s a weird thrill, like finding a tenner in your unwashed jeans. You’re also poised to fritter away your hard-earned dosh on a posh present for some far-flung relative or your other half. It’s a sweet gesture, but let’s be real, love. You can’t even afford a pot to piss in. So, before you go splashing out like some lottery winner, take a butcher’s at your bank account. You don’t want to end up skint, do you? Now for a bit of luck: Your lucky item is a broken watch, ’cause even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day! So, even if you’re a bit of a muppet, you might just have your moment. Keep that in mind, sunshine!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!