Oi, listen up, you love-sick ninny. If you reckon your romance is about as lively as a snail on Valium, you’ve got two choices, ain’t ya? You can bury your head in the sand, praying you’ve cocked it up, or you can start fanning the flames of that dying love like a maniac with a bellows. And if you’re single, feeling like a lost lamb in a field full of wolves, well, stop your whinging and start doing stuff that makes you chuffed. Be your own bloody best mate, for Pete’s sake. Now, here’s your lucky bit of wisdom: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but remember, it’ll shit on you if you squeeze it too hard. So, lighten up, will ya?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!