You’ve been spilling your precious time onto some needy nincompoop, who seems to be on a never-ending quest for attention, like a one-legged pigeon in Trafalgar Square. It’s as if they’ve nicked your joy, your leisure, and your last packet of salt and vinegar crisps. But my dear, you’ve got to remember: you’re not the bloody NHS, always there for everyone else’s needs. You’ve got to look after Number One – and no, that’s not a euphemism. If you’re feeling like you’re stuck on the London Eye with a chatty tourist, repeating the same bloody view over and over again, it’s time to cut the cord and reclaim your power. Be like the Queen and say, ‘One is not amused.’ Then, strut off with your head high and your middle finger higher. Now, for your lucky charm: a packet of Jaffa Cakes. Yes, you heard right. Not only are they a delicious treat, they’re also an excellent way to fend off any unwanted attention-seekers. Just toss one their way, and while they’re distracted, you can make your royal escape. And remember, the only thing scarcer than Jaffa Cakes at a weight watchers meeting is your time – so don’t waste it!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!