This blummin’ agreement you once shook hands on with your partner, which in theory should’ve been as cosy as a Sunday roast by the fire, is now about as comfy as a cactus cushion. Don’t feel guiltier than a dog caught with its paws in the biscuit tin, just for wanting to moonwalk out of commitments that are as well suited to your life as a flip-flop at a black tie do. And just as you thought it couldn’t get any worse, your housemate or one of your bloodline will forget a promise they made to fetch something for you. They’ll have about as much memory as a goldfish with amnesia, and it’ll ruffle your feathers so much, you’ll be squawking louder than a parrot in a pepper factory. Oh, and here’s a little nugget of wisdom to tuck under your hat: “Don’t trust anyone to remember something for you, unless they’ve got ‘Elephant’ on their birth certificate.” It’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but it’s a laugh, innit?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!