Blimey! This morning you’ll be gobsmacked when the usual ignoramus who wouldn’t know your name if it was tattooed on their forehead suddenly tosses you a bit of recognition. A bit like a vegan appreciating a bacon butty, innit? At the homestead, there’s a whiff of anticipation in the air – you’d swear it’s smelling a bit like your nan’s old mothballs. Your flatmates, or can I say, the usual collection of miscreants who wouldn’t know a Hoover if it danced the Macarena in front of them, are actually pulling their weight for once. It’s a bit like finding a sober Aussie on a Friday night, that rare. And bless my bloomers, people are actually listening to the drivel you spout. A bit like a Kardashian making sense, you’ve got to savour the moment. Your lucky charm today is a garlic clove. Don’t ask me why, just go with it. Wear it around your neck or something. Might keep the vampires away, or at least the office gossip.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!