Go on, give that old mucker who�s been stuck in your bonce a bell. I don’t care if they’ve vanished off the radar, it’s about as hard to find someone’s digits these days as it is to find a vegan at a butcher shop – piece of cake! And for Pete’s sake, stop ignoring the new bloke next door. I know, their way of yammering is as queer as a three bob note, and they carry on like a pork chop, but underneath that, they’re as bright as a button – might even teach you a thing or two. Now, your lucky phrase is “Bob’s your uncle.” Use it when you want to seem more British than a cuppa at 4pm. It’s as useful as a chocolate teapot, but it might give you a chuckle.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!