Brace yourself for a right kerfuffle in the love shack or with your work mate, mate. You and your chum are about as in sync as a one-legged man in a bum-kicking contest, which, I’ll tell you, ain’t speeding things up. Even if you’re twitching like a ferret in a frying pan, don’t let the muppets around you catch a whiff of your impatience – their reactions will only add to your pile of rubbish. And here’s your bit of luck, you’ll need it: Your lucky charm is a rubber chicken. Yes, you heard it right, a rubber chicken. Why? Because life’s a laugh, and when it’s not, at least you’ve got a rubber chicken.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!