Blimey! Your life’s as polished as a three-legged dog at a beauty pageant. Still, your dodgy moments are as fleeting as a politician’s promise. Take your wallet for example. It’s as squeezed as a sumo wrestler in a bikini, so this ain’t the time to be buying or selling. Unless it’s your mother-in-law, then, by all means, sell! Your lucky phrase this week is “avoid the dog’s dinner”, and don’t just use it for meals. It’s a versatile gem that can be whipped out whenever you’re about to make a right cock-up. Plus, it always gets a giggle at a funeral.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!