Cor blimey, mate, you’re about to plunge headfirst into something you’ve been avoiding like a teetotaler in a gin palace. But here’s the rub, you cheeky bugger, you might find that you’re actually rather chuffed with the whole shebang. It’s like finding out your blind date is actually a supermodel, not your auntie’s poodle. You’ve got the knack, love, to pick up new routines faster than a hen-pecked husband picking up his wife’s dry cleaning. So, brace yourself and get ready to achieve more than a sloshed footballer at a pub quiz in the next few days. Now, your lucky escape for the week is a half-eaten jammy dodger. I know what you’re thinking, how the bloody hell is a half-eaten biscuit going to help me? Well, dearie, it’s as helpful as a chocolate teapot, but it’s your lucky item, so don’t give it the old heave-ho just yet.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!