Cor blimey, you’re gagging for a switch-up, ain’t ya? You’re going to have to spin a yarn so good, it’d make Sherlock Holmes doubt his own name, just to get your significant other to stop being such a rigid, muddled git. Now’s your moment to spill your guts about your burning yearning to rub elbows with some artsy-fartsy types. So stop moping about and believe that there’s more than enough in the old cosmic piggy bank to go around, you old sod. Lucky charm: A rubber chicken. Why? Because if your life’s a joke, you might as well have the props to match!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!