Listen up, you work-shy wally, quit your dilly-dallying and grab that job offer by the bollocks before it buggers off! You’ve been faffing about, convincing yourself you’re not up to snuff, which is a load of old tosh! You’re as ready as a bulldog in a butcher’s shop, so stop being a wet blanket and rise to the occasion; it’ll pay off like a winning horse at Ascot. Your co-workers and clients are gagging for a bit of razzle-dazzle, so quit your whinging and give ’em a proper shocker, you lazy arse! And here’s your little charm for the day: “When in doubt, wear red.” You never know when you’ll need to distract from a disastrous fashion choice or a face like a slapped arse. Just remember, darling, it’s only lucky if you don’t look like a bloody stop sign.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!