Right, listen up, you old muppet. You’re feeling a bit Billy-no-mates, ain’t ya? There’s a certain someone you’re gagging to be with, but it seems like there’s more barriers between you two than at a London tube strike. It’s a right old pickle, ain’t it, you berk? You’ve built up a fortress, all in the name of self-defence, but now you’re stuck in it like a bird in a gilded cage. Just pull your finger out, take a deep breath, and start thinking. You’ll find a way out of this mess, I promise. Just don’t start moaning about it. You’re not in an episode of Eastenders. And remember, nothing lasts forever, not even this feeling. So, chin up, buttercup. Now, here’s your lucky charm: A rubber duck. Why? Because even in the shittiest situations, it always manages to float on top. Plus, it’s bright yellow. Maybe you can learn a thing or two from it.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!