Blimey, it’s like a bloody reunion of The Waltons over at your place, ain’t it? Full of guffaws and chinwags about who’s next to pop their clogs or what the neighbours are up to. You’re all feeling as snug as a bug in a rug, convinced that Armageddon’s been put on pause for a bit. And who’s playing the gracious host tonight, eh? You, you lucky sod! You’ll be sparkling like a diamond in a goat’s arse, you will. Lucky charm: A glitzy tiara. Because nothing says “I’m the life of the party” like a bit of head bling that could blind a bat at twenty paces.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!