Well, blimey, isn’t this a right pickle you’ve gotten yourself into? You’re about to have a chinwag that’ll make the Brexit negotiations look like a friendly game of tiddlywinks. Oh, don’t expect everyone to be singing ‘Kumbaya’ around the campfire after this one – your nearest and dearest are about to be as chuffed as a bulldog chewing a wasp. But, fear not! By the time the EastEnders omnibus is on, you’ll have sussed out how to lay it on the line to your clan without starting World War III. And who’d have thunk it? That old fart from work – the one you thought had all the warmth and understanding of a frozen haggis – will be backing you up like a right old cheerleader. If they start doing cartwheels, I suggest you leg it. Lucky tip for you, darling: Next time you’re about to spill the beans, make sure you’re holding a lucky rabbit’s foot. Just remember, it wasn’t so lucky for the rabbit, was it?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!