Listen here, you stubborn old mule. You’re clinging to your crusty routines like a barnacle to a ship’s hull. You’re about as adventurous as a sloth on valium. Your motto seems to be, ‘New experiences? No, thank you. I’d rather watch paint dry.’ You’re not just in a comfort zone, you’re practically its bloody mayor. Today, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be as exciting as a wet weekend in Wigan. It’s about as appealing as a root canal, but someone has to do it, and that someone is you, you old stick-in-the-mud. And for your lucky charm? A three-legged rabbit’s foot. Not because it’s particularly lucky, but because it’s as twisted and offbeat as your fear of change. Now, go forth, you boring bugger, and may your day be as thrilling as a bus ride to Bognor Regis.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!