Blimey, your cheery mug’s gonna pull in some right corkers this week. Whether it’s in the sack or the stock exchange, a new mate’s gonna toss your life about like a salad at a vegan convention. Some saintly sod’s gonna take a bullet for you and shoulder your chores. This leaves you ample time to dabble in your quirky pastimes, like collecting toenail clippings or knitting onesies for goldfish. As for your lucky stroke – it’s a neon pink flamingo pool float. Yes, you read that right. Not only is it a great conversation starter, but it’s also perfect for when you need to hastily scarper from an awkward situation – just hop on and float away. It’s like a socially acceptable version of a smoke bomb. And remember, nothing says ‘I’m a serious adult’ like escaping on a fluorescent bird.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!