You’re absolutely cream crackered from dealing with that monumental bellend at work who sucks the life out of every bloomin’ situation, like a dementor on steroids. Right now, you’re stuck with ’em, like a bad smell that just won’t bugger off. The best way to handle this load of old codswallop is to find some fun outside of work. Go skinny dipping in the Thames or take up Morris dancing, anything to get away from that complete and utter wazzock. Your lucky charm this week is a pair of Union Jack knickers, preferably worn on your head. It might not make you look like a supermodel, but at least it’ll keep people six feet away.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!