Oi, do us a favour, love, and give your gaff a once over, will ya? It’s looking more knackered than a pensioner after a Zumba class. Don’t be a lazy git, waddle over to B&Q and splurge on some DIY stuff. Got a leaky bog? Fix it. Or better yet, shove a cork in it. Feeling a bit antsy, are ya? Maybe it’s time to sod off somewhere else. After all, you wouldn’t be the first to bail on a dump like yours. Lucky charm for ya: A roll of duct tape. ‘Cause let’s be honest, you’re about as handy as a chocolate teapot when it comes to fixing stuff. The duct tape – it’s like a silver medal for DIY. You might not have done the job right, but at least you’ve done something.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!