Get ready for a right emotional rollercoaster today, pet! You’re gonna feel like you’ve downed ten espressos, with your brain buzzing like a bumblebee on speed. You’re gonna be so dedicated to your cause, you’ll make a nun look flaky! But brace yourself, because someone your sweetheart thought was tighter than a duck’s arse is about to drop ’em like a hot scone. And the worst part? They didn’t see it coming, like a pigeon with a glass window! Your mantra for the day, darling: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’re gonna get the coffee cream.” (And let’s be honest, nobody bloody likes the coffee cream!)

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!