You’re more baffled than a chav at a wine tasting. Even you’re scratching your head, wondering why on earth you’re chucking a sickie from a deal you’ve been tied to longer than a boomerang on a bungee cord. You’re leaving folks more confused than a geriatric at a silent disco, but something inside you, probably that dodgy kebab from last night, insists you’ve got to do it. Your lucky phrase for today: “As much use as a chocolate teapot.” It’s about as helpful as a knitted condom, but it’ll get a laugh at the pub.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!