Blimey, it’s all going tits up in your social circle, ain’t it? Your so-called mates are scarpering faster than a fat bloke at a salad bar. Some are buggering off due to life changes and the rest can’t agree on whether a Jaffa Cake is a biscuit or a cake. This is a right about-face from the past, but you’re not going to sit there sobbing into your tea. Oh no, you’re going to strut into this new chapter of your life with all the confidence of a pigeon in Trafalgar Square. Now, your lucky charm is a stuffed badger. Why? I haven’t the foggiest. Maybe it’ll scare off any more of your flaky mates.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!