You’re gonna find yourself in situations more baffling than a map of the London Underground drawn by a drunken lemur. One moment, you’ll be splashing the cash like a Lottery winner in a sweet shop, the next you’re acting like a bulldog who’s just caught sight of a Frenchman eyeing up his favourite chew toy. It’s more confusing than a cockney rhyming slang contest, so try to not to let your knickers get in a twist, darling. Lucky phrase for you: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”. But remember, if that bird is a pigeon, it’s probably just going to crap in your hand. So keep a tissue handy.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!