Oi, you soppy sausage! Still stuck in that bloody job, are you? You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot! If you’re not chuffed with your day-to-day slog, it’s high time to shake a leg and hunt a job that doesn’t make you want to stick forks in your eyes, eh? There’s always room to climb, unless you’re as thick as a brick. And while you’re at it, also consider giving your health a once-over. Right now, I reckon your body’s about as healthy as a deep-fried Mars bar. You can’t exactly work if you’re pushing up daisies, can you? Oh, and here’s a wee sprinkle of luck for you: Your lucky colour is beige. Yes, beige. Just like your personality. Now, isn’t that bloody hysterical?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!