Right, darlings, gather round and listen closely. When it comes to discussing the sort of topics that would make a nun blush, tread with the finesse of a cat on a hot tin roof, not the grace of an elephant in a china shop. If it feels like you’re dealing with a grown-up in a nappy, keep your cool. Steer clear of sarcasm, even if it’s as tempting as a cream cake on a diet. If you’re harbouring feelings you wouldn’t dare share, keep ’em locked away tighter than the Queen’s jewels. There’s no harm in having a secret or two, just like that secret stash of biscuits you think no one knows about. Lucky charm for you: a discreet bottle of gin. Because nothing says “I’m coping with the world” quite like a swig of mother’s ruin in the afternoon. Cheeky, but who am I to judge?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!