Blimey, some queer shenanigans have got your knickers in a twist, haven’t they? The antics of some old codger at work or the family matriarch has got your hackles up, like a cat near a bathtub. You’re starting to feel as caged as a London pigeon, aren’t ya? You’re almost desperate enough to book a weekend away in Blackpool, god help you. And out of nowhere, some mysterious bugger has caught your beady little eye. And here’s a laugh – your lucky item this week is a spork. That’s right, a bloody spork. Half spoon, half fork, all useless. But hey, it’s your lucky charm, so keep it close. Maybe it could help you eat your way out of the next family gathering.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!