Oh, blimey, it seems you’ve got a bit of a pickle on your hands, a right dog’s dinner! Don’t fret your knickers off, though. These bothersome bits are about as complex as a goldfish trying to solve a sodding Rubik’s cube. Keep that chin up, sunshine, because if life throws you a cricket ball, you’re meant to whack it out of the park, not cower in the corner like a pansy. And listen here, if you’ve been handed a secret, tighter than a nun’s habit, keep your gob shut, will you? Someone’s depending on you not to turn into a blabbering town crier. So for all that’s holy, don’t spill the beans, especially if they’re Heinz. Now for your lucky trinket – it’s a Rubik’s cube. Don’t look at me like that! It could be worse. At least you’re not stuck with a goldfish. And remember, if anyone asks, you’re just a genius-in-training.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!