Oi, sunshine, give the heavy stuff a swerve for a tick, alright? The stars reckon you’re about as good at understanding deep and meaningful topics as a goldfish is at quantum physics. You’ve got some dosh issues to sort with your other half, but if you brave it today, you’ll be in for a right Barney Rubble – friendlier agreements are as likely as seeing a vegan tucking into a steak. And that gaggle of mates you’re planning on meeting later? It’s gonna be tenser than a granny’s girdle, sweetheart. Hold your horses till the morrow. And your bit of good fortune? Well, you’ve got the charm of a three-legged donkey on a unicycle. Try using that to your advantage, might just be your lucky escape. Now, how about you pop on a pink flamingo onesie? Could be your lucky item, and it’ll certainly give everyone else a laugh.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!