Right, let’s get this show on the road, star gazers. It’s time for you to toss out the stale crumbs of your life like a two-day-old fish ‘n’ chips. You’re getting a whiff of a new idea, something so fresh it could be a cucumber sandwich at the Queen’s garden party. Buckle up though, ’cause playing nice with others is about as easy as teaching a bulldog ballet. Still, your enthusiasm’s as contagious as a bout of chickenpox at a primary school. Brace yourself, love, ’cause you’re about to turn a new leaf, pretty much like a scandalous Page 3 girl deciding to go for a theology degree. Now, here’s your lucky charm. ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away’, but let’s be real here, it’s not the doctor you’re trying to avoid, it’s the bloody taxman! So keep that apple handy, you never know when you’ll need a quick getaway.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!