Listen up, mate! You’re so knackered from work it’s wreaking havoc not just on your tea cosy, but your love life too. You’re bringing home the bacon and the bloody butcher, if you catch my drift. Then on top, your nearest and dearest are causing such a kerfuffle, it’s spilling over into your 9 to 5. It’s a right cock-up, innit? Now, if some bossy boots tries to delve into your private affairs, take a calming gulp of air and keep your cool, you cheeky sod. Remember, it’s always easier to keep your mouth shut and your knickers on. For a bit of luck, try wearing a pair of red undercrackers. Just in case you need a bit of Dutch courage or a swift exit – there’s nothing like a splash of colour to distract from a hasty retreat. But remember, luck is like a fart – it’s best when it’s your own.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!