Right then, you absolute muppet, today’s about as promising as a chocolate teapot, and you’ll be achieving goals like a three-legged cat in a dog race. So take a minute, put down the pint, and have a think about what you really want in life, besides a kebab at the end of a night out. Keep your values nearby, like your last Rolo, and don’t let go. Those arty-farty or spiritual mates of yours will be as influential as a fart in a spacesuit today. So, prepare for a day that’s about as useful as a chocolate fireguard. For a bit of added luck, your lucky item is a hula hoop crisp. Yes, you heard right, a hula hoop crisp. Just don’t stick it on your finger in public, people will think you’ve lost the plot. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!