Darling, if the world’s throwing a wobbly, it’s time to keep your knickers untwisted. How? I hear you ask. Well, sweetie, just focus on the dullest, most mundane tasks you can find. Get a thrill out of scrubbing the loo or dusting off your nan’s old porcelain cat collection. Keep on top of your dosh, love. I mean, who needs a financial advisor when you’ve got a piggy bank and the maths skills of a five-year-old? Stick to the basics, keep your purse strings tighter than your last face lift, and don’t let the fear of the future give you more wrinkles. Remember, darling, your lucky phrase is ‘Keep calm and carry on.’ It worked during the war, and it’ll work now. Just don’t say it out loud, people might think you’ve finally lost it. And we wouldn’t want that, now would we?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!