Well, butter my crumpets, it feels like you’re being treated like a used tea bag, doesn’t it? Your wants and needs are being tossed aside like a soggy biscuit in a cheap B&B. You’re not one to whinge, but it’s as though you’re wearing a cloak of invisibility – only without the fun of running around starkers in the Ministry of Magic. For now, zip your lip, love. Seems everyone around you has got about as much time as a one-legged man in a bum-kicking contest. Looking for a bit of a boost? Well, don’t wait for a Christmas bonus from Scrooge. Instead, treat yourself to something special. Buy that overpriced cheddar you’ve been eyeing, or grab those leopard print wellies. Who cares if they clash with your flamingo pink raincoat? You’re about as subtle as a fart in a library anyway. Now, for your lucky charm: it’s a half-eaten bag of pork scratchings. I know, I know, not exactly a four leaf clover, is it? But it’ll do. Just remember to share with the pigeons. They’ve got feelings too, you know.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!