Some juicy gossip is pigeon post bound for you, mate. Don’t cock it up and let it fly over your balding bonce. Being handed the keys to the kingdom of secrets will give you a leg up, so put your hearing aids in and start listening. Now, you’ve got a bee in your bonnet about placing a little wager on love or loot. Take a lungful of air and jump off the cliff, you old codger. Just remember, it’s not the fall that’ll kill you, it’s the sudden stop at the end. And for all you lucky sods out there, your lucky phrase is “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” Repeat it thrice before breakfast and you’ll either have the best day ever or a killer hangover. Either way, it’s a win!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!