“Oi, you numpty! You’ve got a natterer flapping their gums about that daft decision you made recently. After a chin wag, you might just twig that your first choice was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. So, don’t be a stubborn mule, love. Be as bendy as a contortionist in a wind tunnel, ’cause life’s got a funny way of chucking a spanner in the works. And for the love of all that’s holy, get yourself signed up for an online course – it might just cheer you up, or at the very least, teach you something about not making such a pig’s ear of things next time.” Your lucky charm is a rubber chicken – it’s about as useful as your decision-making skills, but at least it’ll give someone a giggle when you pull it out.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!