You think it takes a grand parade to show your feelings, do ya? More bollocks than a brass band, you are! It’s the wee things that really spill the beans about your mushy insides. Want to show your special someone you’ve got it bad? Use that noggin of yours and whip up their favourite nosh or cobble together a bunch of their favourite blooms. Just remember, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen – and if you can’t arrange flowers, maybe it’s time to reconsider your life choices. And here’s a cheeky tip for you, mate: Your lucky charm today is a wooden spoon. Just don’t get any ideas about using it for anything other than cooking, you saucy devil!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!