Blimey, you’ve got a cob on, don’t ya? You’re moaning like a grumpy old man with a bad case of piles whenever things go pear-shaped. Rather than having a good old chinwag about why it’s all gone a bit Pete Tong, you’re just having a right strop. It’s not like everyone’s off their trolley, mate. These cock-ups, they’re not down to some poor bugger’s bungling. It’s all a bit out of their hands, innit? So how about you stop being a sulky Susan and give someone a leg up instead? And while you’re at it, your lucky item today is a pair of bright red knickers. So, go on, pull ’em up high and give ’em a good wedgie – it might just pull that stick out of your arse.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!