Alright, love, sit tight and prepare for your stars, served up with a side of cheek and a dash of shock, a la Joan Rivers. Here’s the scoop, you’re about to be as lucky as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. When you’re up to your eyeballs in shite, a handy bit of luck will come knocking, just like a randy milkman at a house full of lonely housewives. Your impending cock-up will magically turn into a chance for success, and not the type that involves a dodgy lottery ticket or a rich long-lost uncle from Nigeria. And in the very moment when you’re about to wave the white flag, things will start to look up, like a pair of knickers in a strong breeze after a fortnight of rain. So hang in there, sweetheart, it’s about to get as interesting as a royal wedding with an open bar. And here’s a bit of a lucky charm for you, love. Your lucky number is 7. Now, I don’t mean to say you should rush to the nearest betting shop, but if you happen to pass one, maybe just pop in for a quick flutter. Just remember, if you end up winning big, a certain star-reading assistant wouldn’t mind a pint or two.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!