Well, darling, you’re sitting there, gazing into the abyss, pondering the oncoming train wreck that’s likely to be the next year, aren’t you? You’ve got more secrets than the Queen’s handbag, and it’s making the poor sod next to you feel about as wanted as a fart in a lift. I mean, they can tell something’s up; you’ve been acting more awkward than a nun in a cucumber field! But sweetheart, stop being a closed book! You’re not bloody Shakespeare! Spill the beans so they don’t feel like they’re stuck in the Matrix. Open up, let them in on your grand plans; they might have a laugh, or they might help you avoid stepping on the same rake… again! Lucky item for you, love? A tin opener – because you’re about as easy to read as a locked diary! Just remember, it’s for opening up to people, not for opening your beer… or is it?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!