Right, listen up, love. This New Year, you’re gonna have the golden opportunity to finally tick off that childhood fantasy of yours. Always wanted to be a ballerina or a spaceman? Well, now’s the bloody time, mate! Ignore those party poopers who reckon you’re barmy. You don’t need their negative vibes. Instead, surround yourself with some proper cheerful chums, the sorts who are always half-cut and think everything’s a right laugh. Their infectious enthusiasm will give you the kick up the arse you need. You’ll finally face those fears that’ve been dogging you, probably since you wet the bed in Year 6. And for a bit of luck, keep a rubber duck in your pocket. Why? Well, it’s not for some mystic mumbo jumbo, it’s just hilarious to see people’s faces when you pull it out! Lucky phrase for you: ‘Duck off!’ Use it liberally, especially when someone’s giving you the hump. It’s a sure-fire way to get a chuckle, even if it doesn’t bring you any luck.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!