‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! You’ve been bashing about like a bloke who’s lost his last quid in the pub, haven’t ya? Well, pat yourself on the back, guv’nor, you’ve actually done something useful since we cracked open the new calendar. Shocker, I know! That pie in the sky you’ve been dreaming of? Well, it’s about to land in your lap, all flaky and full of surprises. As for your better half, brace yourself! They’re about to start spouting truth and warmth as if they’ve been possessed by a bloody Care Bear. I know, it’s a bit much, innit? And as for your ‘career’, if we’re being generous and calling it that, prepare to be gobsmacked. Something is on the horizon that’ll knock your socks off. Probably not a promotion, but hey, one can dream, right? Now, for your lucky charm: It’s a bit of old chewing gum. Found it under a pub table. Stick it under your hat for good luck. And remember, if anyone asks, you’ve got a rare hair condition that requires gum treatment. Works a charm!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!